I feel like I owe an apology to the people who read this blog as I put up this post. I used to post so much more frequently. I truly don't know if the readers are people I know or folks I haven't met. But 2026 has been horribly challenging. And so much of it is work related. And after my period of unemployment, I did not know my new job would be far more stressful, far more frustrating, and far more anxiety-inducing than being out of work ever was.
But this job has been one of the most draining ones I have ever had, full time or part time. It is like pushing a boulder up a mountain and I can't see the peak of the mountain. These directors cannot be satisfied. All of them have been in their positions less than six months and they have no idea how to manage people or manage a team. I don't have certain tools or resources or systems that enable me to do my job properly. Every school has different systems, and there are no clear tutorials or guides on how to use theirs. I have to ask around and I hate having to do that.
I can say in these three months, I have two regrets. That's it. One was not preparing far enough in advance for an event that they wanted me to lead. Oh yes, that's another thing, they've been wanting me to market and event plan...things I've never really done professionally. I'm all for learning new skills, but they just expected me to run with these things. And I changed a date by one day on a comment to make it look better, so I wrote false information. Mistakes, I admit it. But of course, the mistakes will always be blown up and the good things I do will be minimized. They never give specific positive feedback, only negative. The closest I get to a compliment is we are seeing some progress. And the director talks about how he wants me to grow into this position, how we're a team, how we learn from each other. I don't feel part of a team at all. It feels like I'm a temp hire.
I'm proud of certain accomplishments. I've stabilized their Federal Work Study, organizing the full list of employees and hours earned, I satisfied a Federal requirement by hooking up a student with a local tutoring job, I did a great job at a Saturday event where I answered questions for over 90 minutes from incoming students and families. Yet none of them mean anything.
So why am I writing now? Today, I had a 3 month review. Oh and this isn't even my annual review, that comes later this month, which is the definition of redundant. And the two directors decide they want me to not only bcc them on every fucking email I send, but now they also want me to write a daily summary of my day and send that to them. So it's more micromanaging, more scrutiny, more bullshit.
For two months now, I have dealt with constant anxiety, frequent stress, and nonstop frustration; it goes back to that event I referenced earlier. This job has been a black cloud in my mind even when I am not there. Before, I rarely took my work home with me. This time is different, my feelings and mindset have evolved. As of now, I don't feel anxious or stressed. I feel demasculated, I feel beaten. I feel resigned that this will not last much longer.
The only reason I make the 55 minute drive each way, each day, is for the paycheck. Oh yes, 55 minutes with these God forsaken gas prices. I was promised remote days, those have not come to fruition. And it's been only about the money/benefits for weeks. I don't want to work with these people. I don't want to work in this environment.
So that begs the question, what will I do now?
Would I dare walk out on this job without another job lined up? Until today, I didn't think I would. But if this performance plan has 60 days on it, and I don't feel the vibes are significantly better after about 45 of those days, I believe I really would leave. This may be crazy, but I would have more peace doing grocery deliveries for far less money every day than doing this. Yes it would be less money for a time, but you can't really put a price on mental health. And when the right full time job comes, I'll know it.
I can't help but wonder why God put me in this situation at this time. I'm not complaining, I'm legitimately wondering. Was it just to hold me over until something else comes along? Was it to show me how much I could take? I'm proud that I have remained professional and composed through this whole timeframe. I don't need to understand everything right now. I just want to gain a perspective in due time.
So it's a Monday night as I write this. Four more days to go in the work week. Let's see if I can have a few work days that are actually peaceful.
