Birthday Reflections

No news on the job front. I went to a career fair on Thursday and interviewed with six or seven companies and subsequently applied for a dozen jobs or so period but there must have been 200 or 300 people there as well. And yes I have a phone interview scheduled for next Tuesday for a remote financial aid job, but I have interviewed for so many jobs and none of them have worked out that I can not get excited over this anymore.

And my mother ruined my birthday dinner. All because she was driving in downtown Raleigh and I could sense she was going to drive into a white traffic pole on the street and I begged her to keep turning left. And somehow that results in me being unkind because I got scared for her and raised my voice. So my mother hates that I care, that is what it comes down to. As a result we sat in the bar of a very nice steakhouse for 10 minutes, drink half a glass of water each, and went home. I was too upset and too distressed to eat with her. She even said I could take her credit card, go inside, and eat by myself if I wanted to. That would be basically be a trap. If I was to go in and eat dinner alone in there, I would feel guilty for the rest of my life about it.

So the next morning was my birthday and I drove to the St. Francis Springs Prayer Center in Stoneman, NC, which is halfway between Greensboro and the Virginia state line. I had been planning this retreat for a couple of weeks, and while my mother had offered to go with me, she decided to not go, which is probably a smart idea after the previous evening. Thankfully I was able to get my money back and use it towards a future day retreat at the center. 

I did get my free large iced chai at Caribou in Burlington on the way, and it was so satisfying. Extra cinnamon and nutmeg, that part is very important.

I spent a lot of time reading, and a little bit in prayer. It's very valuable to have a place like this that is quite remote where I can be still, and have a true chance to reflect and recalibrate myself. Or maybe more accurately, God can work a little bit more effectively on me.

As long as the most important thing in my life is independence, or making a decent living, then when that is put into jeopardy, I will never be able to be at peace. Even if it sounds a little crazy to base my life on god, at least I know it is permanent. It can be a little bit hard, it can be scary, and it's a standard that I cannot meet. But basing my happiness, no, my joy, on things of this world, it really is never going to last for long. Because circumstances change so rapidly.

I'm not trying to preach here, God knows I am completely unqualified for that. But after 45 years of life, things that I hear people say, start to become more real with life experience.

And afterwards, I had a nice dinner with three people from facebook, only one of whom I had met before. We went to a pizza joint in High Point and they actually thought I was funny, and had great energy. That was good. 

There was one girl in the group who had met briefly before, but I get the feeling she's one of those tough nuts to crack. It takes a lot to get deep with her probably because she's had to reject so many men over the years.