Perception of People

I have focused so much on how other people think of me. And I know so little of the truth. People will so often avoid confrontation, that they will never tell people what's going on. They simply walk away with their opinions and judgments hidden inside. What's scary is this kind of dynamic happens between family and friends too, it's not just some random person you just met. And I know I'm guilty of it. I try to think well of people. But it is hard some of the time. 

I wonder if one day, maybe in the next life, perhaps I will learn those private thoughts. Who was my trust well placed in? Who violated that trust? I think the answers I would uncover would astound me. 

We can't erase hate in this world. Our minds are full of sin and darkness. That can not be changed. All we can do is suppress it. And as this country and world descends faster and faster towards hell, I struggle so hard to hide how I feel. 

God, please forgive me for my horrible thoughts, my terrible words, my offensive actions. I am so wanting to be a great man, one that you would be proud to call your son, your own, your good and faithful servant. But I am so limited, so oppressed, so battered, so rejected. There are these obstacles that I don't know if I can get past. I struggle to last a single hour without violating your word. Truthfully, I cannot imagine me without my anger, my frustration, my self doubt. Even in heaven, how could my failures ever be separated from me? 

My disappointments seem to be so much more prevalent than my success. I feel like just a regular person, who will live for a few decades, die, and quickly be forgotten. I have no wife, no kids, no siblings, just a few good friends. And I'm 39, it's probably too late for any major changes to happen now, well, positive changes anyway. All I feel I can do now is work hard, save money, enjoy a trip and great meal once in a while, and eventually, I'll probably work myself to a sudden death.