How did this happen?

To me, the idea of being a better person has been that one is constantly learning and growing from their past experiences. We all make mistakes, but through those mistakes, we should eventually be eliminating them and always be moving towards perfection.

The more that things happen to me, the more I'm scared that I cannot grow and I cannot get better. I fear I am stuck and will remain the same person I've been since I was a teenager. I am still so prone to abandonment, to rejection, to bullying, to fear, to mistakes.

At the Jets vs Dolphins game today, the club had its Christmas party. I was annoyed after the White Elephant when I came away with the worst prize out of anyone, basically it was the second straight night I spent about 30 bucks on a white elephant prize and came out with a pile of crap. This one was a Pop Joe Namath figurine and 20 bucks to Wendy's. For the love of God, I haven't eaten there in 25 years at least. So that already had me in a bad mood. I don't care if it was supposed to be fun, it felt like I had wasted money.

After Miami started to come back in the second half and eventually put the game away, from the bar, I hear this bitch squeal so loud and so high like she was taking it in the ass, which I'm sure she would pay men to do. And she kept on going and going to the point where I wanted to go over to the bar and say something. Instead, I glared at her for a good ten seconds...and I walked outside for about 5 minutes. I had to cool down.

I came back inside shortly thereafter, it was starting to get cold out. And then on the next possession, Zach Wilson fumbled the ball when the offensive line again failed to protect him, it was the recurring theme for the second half. Something inside of me snapped. I pounded the table where I was sitting. I shouted a pretty vile curse word that I'm not proud of. I could feel the entire restaurant staring at me in disbelief, with hatred and disgust. Unable to make eye contact with anyone, I walked out, this time for good. And I drove straight home, desperate to not have to talk to anyone. 

And now, here I sit in my dark living room, having downed 6 shots of whiskey. I don't want to look at my cell phone. I know SHE wants to talk to me. She has called me. She has messaged me. She has texted me. But damn it, I'm too ashamed. I can't talk to her about the darkest parts of my mind, about my eternal scars. I don't deserve her. No good woman could accept a man who is so tormented. I am just wanting to not feel anything and dying to shut this world off, that is so full of hate, and judgment, and contempt.

I'm 40 freaking years old. I'm not a boy, I'm not a teenager, I'm not even a young man now. I'm not supposed to be failing like this. Yet every time that good things happen, something will always come along that knocks me on my ass. And I'm the same lonesome abandoned kid again. I don't know why God made me. I don't know why he put me on earth now. But I'm terrified that whatever my purpose was, I've completely missed it. I have an ordinary, inconsequential life. And if I miss my reason for living, and live a failure of a life, am I going straight to hell? Will I suffer the most ultimate abandonment of all???

Baltimore and DC Getaway

3.5 hour drive to Baltimore with a stop in rainy Mechanicsville at a local coffee shop for some chai

Chap's Pit Beef

DDD sandwich with pit beef, corned beef, and hot Italian sausage.

Plus a beef and turkey to go

Baltimore Museum of Industry

So many exhibits about cars, canning, garments, printing, steel mills, etc.

Vaccaro's Pastry Shop in Little Italy

Almond cookie, biscotti, and sesame cookies...and two rainbow cookies for her

Checkerspot brewery

Industrial area under the highway

Diamondback brewery

Pizza oven

Element Hotel check in

Drove across the street to the Arundel Hills Mall

Slammed for Christmas

Didn't buy a thing

Dinner at Nando's

Burned drumstick

Ring of Honor Final Battle

Super emotional

The greatest wrestling organization of the last 20 years

Stopped in Exxon to get a drink

I couldn't believe that they had Joe's peach iced tea

Saw EC3 and Adam Scherr

Leftover margherita pizza in the hotel

Sunday morning

Gym

Grab and go breakfast

The Well Church

Couldn't find it for 15 minutes

I refused to wear a mask inside

Maybe 60 people in the rented Seventh Day Adventist Building

Pastor was nice enough to introduce himself

$30 to park my car

Ted's Bulletin

Homemade cinnamon brown sugar pop tart

Fag next to me at the bar tried to hit on me

Breakfast burrito

Irish Channel bar in Chinatown, home of the Capital Jets fans

1 Smithwick's and 4 Miller Lites

Jets get killed by the Saints

Complete waste of a season

Drove home the 3 hours

Her

What am I going to do about her? 

She shouldn't have walked into the restaurant that Sunday, November 14. It was just me and the guys, watching another Jets loss in another season that's been filled with them. The long dark hair, the white lacy cotton top, the confident walk, the dynamic smile, and the lack of jewelry on the fourth finger of the left hand. I had no idea what her story was, but I figured as club President, it was my duty to inquire.

We actually didn't talk much that first day. But I requested her on Facebook. That led to my first message on Wednesday. That night was a 2 hour phone conversation that flowed like water down a stone-free river. I never had to search for a conversation topic, she knew immediately how to engage me. We continued to talk and message every day, and by Sunday, we both knew we were ready to see each other again. By the next Sunday, we were seeing each other privately. The next night was our first kiss and a few other firsts, which later in the week became seconds and thirds.

Except she is recently separated from her husband of 18 years and cannot get legally divorced until at least May 1. So there is no declaring anything official until that's official. And even then, when that's over, will she be ready to date?

Tonight, we had dinner at Mellow Mushroom. The Cloud 9 garlic parmesan wings were great, the pizza with the aioli base was just weird. Good...but too dang creamy. Then I drove us through Newport News Park which had sets of Christmas lights set up, it was a pretty amazing display. Then I took her back to my apartment's parking lot, and for the first time, she didn't come inside, she drove home.

I've gone further than I have with anyone in my 40 years of living. And I could see myself with her for a long time. I know she likes me a lot. But is that enough for her? I have been messed over so many times that I can't help but wonder she'll do it to me too. I've opened up to her, but I can't bear to tell her that I don't want to picture me without her. Life is so much better with her in it.

And after 22 days, my head says it is too soon to feel this way. I don't want to get caught up in puppy love or infatuation. But at the same time, in 25 years since puberty, I have had enough unrequited crushes and failed relationships to know when something can work. And damn it, this can work.

The tough part is I don't know who I can really talk to about how to handle this. It's easy to go to Mom but for this part of my life, it just feels awkward. Dad, forget it. Has the want to, not the know how to. My friends, how many do I know that would both listen to me and have the wisdom I need to hear. Maybe that's why I'm on here now at 11:30 pm after downing half a bottle of Pinot Noir.

I've never considered myself to be a patient man. But if there's any shot of this becoming what I want it to become, I'm going to have to learn patience right now. And here's the scary part...what if she decides she doesn't want to date after the divorce is final? And then all of my waiting is for nothing?

God, why am I in a spot in such a time as this? What are you trying to teach me? Regardless of whether this becomes a relationship or not, I pray I will be a better man for it. Amen.

I'm Still Here

Wow I take so much time off sometimes between posts. 

I really don't even want to make an attempt to recap the last 8 weeks, because it would be a fruitless effort. But I'll point out these 5 things:

1) Rocklin Ranch makes the best Cabernet I've ever had

2) I'm scared our financial aid department will completely collapse for being so short staffed.

3) Max Scherzer is really a New York Met!!!!! Can I be greedy and beg for Kris Bryant?

4) I finally have my own Christmas tree and now this apartment really feels like Christmas.

5) I ran the Nauti Lite challenge in Norfolk the weekend before Thanksgiving. I also did this in 2019 a little faster, but the difference is I medaled in my division for both the 5k and 10k. I ran the 5k in 22:27, 61st of 1,223 runners and 3rd of 61 in my age bracket. For the 10k, I finished that one in 47:57, 22nd of 651 and 1st of 36 in my age bracket. The Asics shoes I had were not the best, I really felt some discomfort in my feet. So I will not be running in those for much longer. At this point, I don't know if I've run my personal bests. Can I go faster than I did these races? Yes I can, but would I be risking injury if I did? Maybe the greater victory is being able to do these races, maintain a great pace, and finish as I get older.

What else is on my mind tonight? An amazing girl. That I have to wait and wait for. But that will require its own post.