Torn

I just hope I'm making a big deal out of the things I should make a big deal out of. And little things that irk me, well I hope I don't take them too far.

I really want it to work. I love CI. The time together is so short, so precious. But between the vulgarity on FB plus the admitted drinking really bothers me. I thought the MDZ and Victor Cruz photos pissed me off. But after this weekend downtown and at Howl at the Moon, and the subsequent trip back to Aurora, something happened I didn't expect, though it had crossed my mind. I'd chalk it up to an isolated instance, or closing a chapter of the past. I don't know if it is or not though.

But I'm committed to CI in NY on some level. I've wanted it for so long. Now I wonder if it's holding me back. And I wonder if I should stay in this and give it time or just get out and be safe but risk being alone again. There's long distance to consider in both cases though. I just know if I break up with CI, she'll be with a new guy within 2 weeks and she'll marry him. I've always been the set-up guy. For me, it'll probably take two years. Guess that's my fear talking.

It's bonding. It's lonely. It's adventurous. It's complicated. It's easy. It's work. It's painful. It's pleasure. It's frustrating. It's exhilarating. It's exciting. It's annoying. It's uplifting. It's aggravating. It's amazing.

God, please guide my steps and grant me the wisdom I so need right now. And let me take action even if I'm afraid to do it.