Inconsistent

It is true that suffering breeds creativity. Joy can inspire as well. But let's be honest, for those like me who find writing therapeutic, people might think we're the most miserable group walking God's green earth. Hey, it's not the worst way to express yourself.

I don't even want to go into detail about how the Jets choked away an ideal opportunity at the playoffs in a Week 17 meltdown in Buffalo. I won't go into detail about my disappointment in the Mets poor off-season to this point. That said, sign Yoenis. The Rangers have been horrific for six weeks, but after getting five of six points against Dallas, Washington, and Boston, things may be turning around. They have the Islanders on Thursday night and they better win it.

But January is in full force. We're barely hitting 15 degrees. The snow comes down several days a week. It's frigid and bitter. And I feel like I'm absolutely losing myself and I hate myself for it. In the span of a week, I've lost my ipod and my cell phone case. Only $250 to replace them. I don't know how I can live without my music. It calms me, it motivates me, it drives me, it levels me.

I tried speed dating last Saturday. Why? Because I'm a fool, that's why. Nine men, six women. Some decent ones, but...nothing exciting. Maybe two of the six would get a B grade. Yet, I selected three women who I thought were at least okay. And 72 hours later, I have zero matches. Waste of 30 bucks.

And today at work. It's just defining to me what a mess life is sometimes. I helped at the student affairs desk for three hours, per my boss's request. I never got out of my chair. I greeted dozens of students, I offered them information about everything from tutors to the CTA, to student employment, to rape counseling. I met the entire career services department as they walked past. I felt pretty good about my role and that I mattered.

Then, an hour before the end of my shift, I take a short break. My freaking boss catches me on my phone and gets upset. Ten minutes later, a co-worker gets mad at me because I didn't handle one of her students the way she thought I should. I had to go away. I walked away for ten minutes before returning to my desk and immediately leaving for the day, fill of frustration and self doubt.

I'm so mad at myself that I'm having a Brooklyn lager on the train. A pint for five bucks. I was hoping to be by myself, but of course, right after the train leaves the station, some 60 year old dude comes along and sits next to me on a car that was half empty. Is it bad that I want to stab in the throat with a pencil? I just want to forget the world sometimes.

I have a new bed at least, I upgraded to a queen. It's visibly better than that old hammock I used to have. My old bed dipped down straight in the middle, so I'd always sleep on my side and on one corner or another. What a difference it is to have a cross piece in the middle of the frame.

On these cold days where so much goes wrong, I just have to wonder what it will take to be content and relaxed.