Confronted

So I was at an event tonight. At a church. I knew there was a chance she would come. And if she did come, it was all but guaranteed that he would be there too. The fiance. With the fat ugly jerk. Well, five minutes in, she came in. And he was there.

As I saw him walk in, with her trailing behind, I really wanted to walk out. But I stayed and tried to focus on the music on the Lord. It's important to block out the distractions. But I knew pretty quickly that my own efforts would be futile. As the band played on, I found myself unable to sing. I couldn't bear to focus on the horror that was just ten feet to my right. My thoughts were just focused on my place in life and where I'm going now.

I think so much about leaving the midwest. But I wonder if it's really the answer to my problems. If I moved, would my life really get better? Are these hurts and pains and oppression something that could be rectified by leaving the Midwest? I'm not asking for a sure thing. But is this a risk worth taking?

I'm feeling incredibly reflective now. And I know I have to get to a point where I can really know myself, the good and the bad. It's a very uneasy feeling to approach those dark places of myself and analyze them. But you can't cure cancer by putting a Band Aid on it. You have to find the cause of the cancer and cut it out. I feel that I need to take similar action on the dark parts of my life. 

As I sit here, I'm 35 years old. I have a lot more confidence in myself than I did even two years ago. At the same time, I have far less faith in people and the world than I used to. I wonder more and more how a 30-something conservative Christian who is passionate about NY sports, justice, and Jesus fits in a world that is getting more and more liberal all the time. If that means losing a few friends because I'm willing to speak my mind and be honest, that's their problem, not mine.