I'm resentful of romantic love. I know it's necessary in the world. I know it's needed. But I hate two things. One, I hate that it's eluded me all these years. Two, I hate how misused the word is.
I thought I was better at dealing with other people finding love. But I fear it's getting worse. I've just gotten more cynical and bitter that I haven't found love. As I attended the funeral for my grandfather this past Monday, it scared me that the were only three relatives: myself, my mom, and her sister. He had no siblings. His wife is gone. Linda's daughter certainly wasn't going to be invited. Although I have not had a burning desire to be a father, I confess I'm scared of my family not surviving. I have no siblings. I have two cousins. One of whom I never talk to and I don't know how to get in contact with her. The other I just alluded to. If I don't keep a lineage going, have I failed my grandparents and great grandparents? I'm proud of my heritage. I don't want it to die with me. And then again, I'm scared of raising kids in such a sinful broken world. I want to leave a legacy of honor and respect. Can I do that if I die without ever getting married or becoming a father?
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