To You

It's been 56 hours since you told me you love someone else. I've been thinking about it, despite not wanting to, and even while the emotion is still raw, here is my perspective.

You are a confused, emotionally lost woman who does not know the first thing about this kind of new love or a new relationship.

You just left an 18 year marriage. Or more accurately, he evicted you from that marriage. And now I understand why. It wasn't because he did not want to be married anymore. It wasn't because he was lost in life, like you told me he was. He left the military, spent every day with you, and realized it was not going to work.

Two weeks later, emotionally vulnerable, you walked into the bar where the Virginia Jets Fans, the club of which I am President. I hadn't dated in almost two years, and I wanted to. Over the next few weeks, we grew closer and closer, and I gave myself to you in a way I never had before with another woman. I was thinking of little ways to make you happy, places we could go, I wanted to learn you more and more. I could see our future lasting a long time. I was even willing to put up with your ugly tattoos and inexplicable admiration of Bernie Sanders.

Again, I acknowledge my mistake. I lost my temper in your presence and was too embarrassed to face you. It took me days. Finally, we talked on a Thursday afternoon. It scared me so much to have that conversation. You said you forgave me. Then the next day, you went to Vegas with the family, allegedly the family, for 9 days, I felt it best to give you your space and let you enjoy your trip. Then you came back and supposedly had COVID. So trying to be respectful, I messaged you on occasion, and we did talk once or twice. But a part of my mind knew your heart was gone. 

You weren't reaching out to me anymore, except to tell me that you were COVID positive. And what happened to your expressive side? When we started, our chats had energy and cleverness to them. All of a sudden, they became "Good," "Nice," and "Thank you." I've been through this shit enough time when a woman quits because a man isn't doing everything perfectly, and she doesn't address it, they just stew inside and plan to their quitting strategy.

So on Friday, you messaged me, and told me it was over, which was one thing. But that it was for some random dude you once knew and that it progressed quickly and that you love him...it's clear you don't think with your brain, you were thinking with your pierced vagina. If it had been you leaving me for David, to keep your marriage alive, I would have been less offended. 

Let me explain what is really going on. You love the idea of what he could've been back when you knew him, however long ago that was. You said you didn't want me caught in the middle, well you know what? There was not supposed to be a middle! It was you, and it was me. 

And then for you to message me two days later, and say you are bringing this dude with you to the chili kickoff; do you have a fucking idea what you were saying? You didn't ask me how I felt about it, you owed me that much at least. You figured it would be perfectly fine and never anticipated the potential fallout. Let me remind you of something, this is the football group of which I am the President. I have been there 4 plus years, you have not been there even 4 months. For you to say you still want to be friends, then two days later day you want to show off this person to the group, essentially rubbing my nose in a pile of dog shit, that's as callous as anything I could ever imagine.

I never knew when I met you that you would turn out to be so cold hearted, cruel, and most of all, selfish. While I hate what you have done, I don't hate you. I just pity you. And I thank you that you broke my heart now rather than later. I will mend in time and be a better and stronger man for being away from you. And guess what? With your restlessness and twisted way of thinking, you'll fail with this guy too.

I Knew It!

 I had a sick feeling for weeks she was going to do it. 

4:10 pm. 50 minutes from leaving work after a hard week. I got a message on Facebook. Yes...a Facebook message. Someone came back into her life. Things progressed. Quickly. And...she had the nerve to say this... she loves him. 

She never said it to me. Never. But within 2 or 3 weeks, she knows that she loves this asshole.

But at least there's truth in consolation. She LOVES our friendship and doesn't want to lose it. Well she was the only one I gave myself to completely and I saw this thing lasting for a long long time. And now I'm supposed to accept being friend zoned.

If she was here, I'd tell her right now that David was right to dump her stupid tatted ass two months ago. He knew.

The Most Helpless Feeling

Sometimes we can see something happening in the future and we're powerless to stop it. For instance, a weather disaster or the complete failure of the Joe Biden and Kamala Harris reign. 

Well, in my opinion, when a man knows a woman has made up her mind to leave him, but she hasn't told him yet, that may be the most helpless feeling of all. It isn't what she says, it's that she isn't saying anything. 

Her answers become shorter,  but even more than that, they become repetitive. Chats have become "Nice" or "Thank you." And I say this so much, but in the least 3 weeks, I've been the only to initiate contact. There was one exception, she messaged me to inform she had tested positive for COVID. Other than that, she seems all but disengaged from a relationship. 

I have to borrow lyrics from Blackhawk. Every day I brace myself to hear the words I'm scared she's going to say. And every night I thank the Lord somehow I dodged the bullet one more day. 

I do a great job at wearing out my welcome, and once again, I couldn't get past 2 months. Actually this lasted 1. Hell, maybe I'm disengaging already, so when she says to me what she is ultimately going to, it won't hurt me as bad. 

I'll see her next Saturday at the chili cookoff. I'm sure we'll hug, it's been a month since we've seen each other. But it won't be the same. It never will. I lost my temper, I became embarrassed, I retreated, and I ruined it. 

Hello 2022

Well, this world hasn't had the sunniest of circumstances in the last couple of years. And as 2021 was drawing to a close, I saw a lot of people expressing a similar message on social media. 

"Goodbye 2021, let's start a new year."

As if changing the 4th number in a year is suddenly going to fix the problems of the world, and the attitudes of the people who live in it. The fact is the people had shouted the exact same message 12 months ago begging for 2020 to end and anxiously waiting to turn the page to 2021.

We are in a cycle of discontent, fear, and restlessness. COVID, the economy, the incapable buffoons of a president and vice-president that we will be suffering with for 3 more years. It's so easy to focus on everything that is going wrong. On the first day of January, I find myself asking what is there to be positive about? Where can I have some real hope?

I have less faith in people than I ever have. It terrifies me how many people buy into the lies and manipulation from the mainstream media and politicians, even as our country continues to collapse. But after seeing the Oval Office dweller's approval rating sink by over 20 percent in his first 12 months, well I have some optimism that these people realize how much they screwed up at the voting polls.

My job and career? Not a ton of positive thoughts there. We are down to two people left on campus, me and the new hire who doesn't know what he's doing yet. At this rate, based off my value to the company, I should be entitled to a pay increase.

Maybe I should look internally. That may sound self-centered, but perhaps I've put too much energy and emotion towards the forces of evil prospering while righteous continue to suffer. Maybe I can work on being better at certain aspects of my life and the outside world may not be as threatening. And then who knows, maybe I wouldn't be venting on here to the same eight people who read my posts.

I'd like to write an inspiring, positive conclusion, but I'm not there just yet. While that's just not meant to be written yet, it just might have its time in the coming weeks or months.