Growing up, I hated hearing my parents say I was special. They kept tell me I was, they would cite Mr Rogers and every time I heard him sing that song about you are my friend and you are special, I would cringe. And not quietly. I don't know why that word triggered me, there is no decent explanation for it other than that I was 5 or 6 years old and just didn't know better.
And then I was sent out into the world, to school, to summer camps, to sports teams. And I always felt like an outcast. I was constantly bullied, always made to feel less than. The way I was demeaned only reinforced that I was just another person, basically inconsequential, dispensable, and of next to no importance.
What I would give now to stand out in a positive way. I'm feeling more and more like I'm a guy who doesn't mean a damn thing in the world. Does anything I do really matter in the long term? Why is it I mention to 4 different people I'm coming to DC this weekend and none of them want to see me, they don't even respond? And I see these lousy men get women they have no business being with. I have single days of fun and I'm terrified to look at my budget.
All of this disappointment hit me tonight while I was playing in this kickball league with the young adult singles group I've been associated with for a couple of years now. It was the second week, the field was muddy, the players on our team had no clue what to d o the field, as we have been outscored something like 43-3. And if that wasn't enough, here I go pulling both quad muscles again just like when I was playing softball. I could've been doing deliveries and making money, or attending the Johnny Cash tribute concert, or watching the Mets game. Instead I feel I'm wasting my time and money.
And I'm 40. I've peaked. I try not to feel bitterness. But there's no doubt I've clearly failed at life. Why else am I still single, working a full time job and two side hustles? What difference does my life make? Will God view me as a failure?
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