Blessing, curses

I firmly believe that God exists and he is personal. He is not absent as my one-time best friend has come to believe. And when bad things happen, I don't think it's right to blame God just because it is the convenient thing to do. Trust is not my strong suit nowadays, especially with people. I want to trust, but in so many cases, I have learned people are out for themselves first. They may not want to hurt other people, but if that's what it takes to get ahead in this world, so be it.

The cop in Myrtle Beach tonight. The bitch from Big Rock who is costing us more money than MC Hammer lost. The co-workers who pass the blame. The friends I once knew. Fate confirming the cancer is back.

And as I type this, I am surrounded by 100 kids who have taken over the hotel for some reason, maybe a wedding, I don't know. They can live however they choose, I don't have a big problem with it. But the contrast between us and them is striking. I mean, they think a tough day is running out of Jack before the party breaks up. They don't have the first damn clue about hard times and struggles.

Right now, as the yells and howls of high schoolers fill my ears, I am so tempted to look at my life and where it has gone. There is so much good. But so much is scary. Did we do something to deserve these circumstances? Is it because God thinks we can handle it? Will a great blessing be given to us? I want to trust, I need to trust. It's so hard to do right now. Money, health, future decisions, more money. So much uncertainty.

I guess we just want someone or something to blame. If I didn't believe in God, I would probably do some unspeakable things to a few people. But it's not worth me ruining my life at the same time. I'm going to move forward somehow. I'm going to pray. And think positive. And somehow keep the faith that things will be OK. I want some justice and more than that, I want happiness and peace.

This is my prayer tonight from a Holiday Inn computer in Surfside Beach, South Carolina. Please see it God and don't turn away from me. Amen.