Being a single man

It is amazing how hard it is to be a single man. I am at a meetup event right now at Willis Tower with overt a hundred other singles. I don't know who set this gimmick up, I don't know who destined for life to be this way, but it is obvious that the man has to pursue the woman all the time. A man can't be by himself and expect a woman to come anywhere near him. It is solely on the man and that pressure is just absolutely insane.

Even if a man is friends with a girl, and he wants to take it to the next level, it's up to the guy to make the move. And then if it doesn't work, the friendship is likely dead.

And now I look at tonight. I try meetup events for the first time and it is just ridiculous. I had a couple of conversations, but now there are a lot of people here everybody seems to be in conversation with everybody else and I have absolutely nobody to talk to. Most of the time, I am happy to be single, but tonight it absolutely sucks.

When a man is struggling to like himself, it isn't fair to put that kind of pressure on a woman to like them and fill that void. Maybe I'm guilty of it. But I look to the future. Now I'm 34. My prime is likely gone. I will always try to be a better person, but physically, my best years are probably done. Maybe I really AM meant to be by myself for the rest of my life. And if I am, well, I will just try to be as happy as I can.

Nervous

There are a number of memorable oxymorons in the English lanugage. Baby grand, jumbo shrimp, and awesomely bad, for instance. Well, add this one to the list: job security. As I grow older, I realize that there is no such thing. And I realize that since I now finally have a job that I want to keep for a long time, but haven’t completely figured out yet, my fears are resurrecting. After the way Kaplan ripped my heart out in 2014 and College of DuPage mistreated me in 2015, I am dreading to see how this one will end. There is just no way around it. I am terrified that the slightest mistake will get me fired.

I was put in a position to communicate with both a student and a parent today, well before I was ready. I felt totally embarrassed since I knew I didn’t have the answers for them. It took all I had to not burst out hysterical. But I know I spoke faster and any sense of cool I had totally vanished. It was just brutal for me and I feel like I’ve blown everything already. For the most part, at work, people will choose to remember your negative moments and ignore anything good that you do. That’s one reason why I rarely socialize with colleagues and almost never become friends with them on social media. I don’t need them knowing more about my personal life that what I tell them. One day, I could become their manager or they might become my manager. 

Maybe I’m freaking out a little too much. But I’ve experienced loss and I stand to lose a lot if I were to lose this position. After my last two experiences, I’m wondering if I’m meant to work in financial aid. But then again, outside of pathetic sales, financial planning, and insurance jobs, nobody else seems to have any interest in interviewing me. So what is there to do when I’m trapped? Just learn as much as possible and try to survive, I guess. I just wish I could thrive vocationally.

I love you Maggie

I have posted about my cocker spaniel, Maggie, many times over the last year and a half. I had Maggie 17 months, she was 8 or 9 years old when we got her. Long story short, we rescued her from a hard life in Wisconsin two summers ago. Around here, people knew her for her calm demeanor, her sweetness, and her obsession with people food (yeah, a little like me). Sliced turkey, beef, and chicken seemed to be her favorites. She'd lick the plates after we were done eating before putting them in the dishwasher. I remember her sticking out her paw to me when she wanted my attention or petting. She'd drink so much water, but liked ice in her bowl. She  She was ok with taking a bath, but didn't like walking in the heat. She wasn't always comfortable with car rides, but got used to them. 

In the last two weeks, she rarely ate though. In the last few days, she nearly stopped eating and lost a quarter of her body weight. She also started hiding in dark places. We took her to the vet Wednesday and it didn't seem good. The doc didn't have a clear diagnosis, but said it was probably either an infected uterus or a tumor. We gave her pain meds to help her cope. In the last two days, she began panting excessively. After a late night visit to the vet, they took X-rays and there was a massive tumor around her kidney. There was nothing else to be done. They gave her a sedative and then she was calm, but still shaking. We couldn't bear to watch her hurt anymore. So with a lot of tears, we said goodbye around 12:15 this morning. 

I truly dread the quiet and emptiness that the morning will probably bring. My spirit is hurt, but it is, at the same time, grateful.

Maggie, I love and appreciate you so much. I can never thank you enough for your spirit, companionship, and devotion when I was going through some hard times. I pray God will allow me to see you again someday.

Our time together: June 18, 2014-November 14, 2015.

Waiting for the train to leave

So I'm sitting on a train in Ogilvie station in Chicago and it's a Monday night. First week where I'm doing my late night schedule. I'll be working till 7 p.m. on Monday and 8 p.m. on Wednesday. On Tuesday and Thursday, I work until 5:30 and on Friday I work until 5 p.m.

The result is two totally different paces. On the other three days, I find myself rushing from the office a few minutes early just to run fast enough to catch an express train that will get me home about 20 minutes sooner. The train home is totally jammed and it feels incredibly hectic and can be quite stressful.

But on these other two days, everything slows to a grinding halt. It only takes me about 15 minutes to walk from the office to the train. And that leaves me with another 25 minutes of waiting before the train even goes in motion. Toss in over an hour riding on the train and 15 minutes in the car to get home, and it's a very long commute. But I have to say it is kind of peaceful and it's nice that I have a chance to be able to reflect and just relax for a little while.

I can't say this is something I'm really going to enjoy in the long run, especially when the weather turns really, really cold in the next month or two. But this life is kind of enjoyable right now and I think it might work out. At least I hope it will. At this point in my life, I think I've earned the right to be happy at work. I hope God grants me that.

WWE Title Tournament Predictions

I remember when WWE did their title tournament at Survivor Series in 1998. There were several wrestlers who seemed like they could win and there were only a few matches where I was absolutely certain of who would win and who would lose. Fast forward to 2015. Seth Rollins tore his ACL and a new champion will be crowned at Survivor Series. The bracket was just released and I have to say I think WWE did a bad job of booking this bracket.

The Final 4 are an absolute given: Reigns, Ambrose, Del Rio, and Owens. But the selection of wrestlers just has me shaking my head. What are Titus O'Neil and Kalisto doing in it? Jack Swagger, Damien Sandow, and the New Day members didn't deserve a spot? And Cesaro is guaranteed not to advance past the second round, if he even survives Sheamus. The only match I have any question over who will win is Cesaro and Sheamus. And that is a bad job by WWE in terms of establishing credible contenders. Anyway, on to my predictions.

Roman Reigns over Big Show

Cesaro over Sheamus

Alberto Del Rio over Stardust

Ryback over  Kalisto

Kevin Owens over Titus O’Neil

Neville over King Barrett

Dolph Ziggler over The Miz

Dean Ambrose over Tyler Breeze

Roman Reigns over Cesaro

Alberto Del Rio over Ryback

Kevin Owens over Neville

Dean Ambrose over Dolph Ziggler

Roman Reigns over Alberto Del Rio

Dean Ambrose over Kevin Owens

Roman Reigns over Dean Ambrose