Nervous

There are a number of memorable oxymorons in the English lanugage. Baby grand, jumbo shrimp, and awesomely bad, for instance. Well, add this one to the list: job security. As I grow older, I realize that there is no such thing. And I realize that since I now finally have a job that I want to keep for a long time, but haven’t completely figured out yet, my fears are resurrecting. After the way Kaplan ripped my heart out in 2014 and College of DuPage mistreated me in 2015, I am dreading to see how this one will end. There is just no way around it. I am terrified that the slightest mistake will get me fired.

I was put in a position to communicate with both a student and a parent today, well before I was ready. I felt totally embarrassed since I knew I didn’t have the answers for them. It took all I had to not burst out hysterical. But I know I spoke faster and any sense of cool I had totally vanished. It was just brutal for me and I feel like I’ve blown everything already. For the most part, at work, people will choose to remember your negative moments and ignore anything good that you do. That’s one reason why I rarely socialize with colleagues and almost never become friends with them on social media. I don’t need them knowing more about my personal life that what I tell them. One day, I could become their manager or they might become my manager. 

Maybe I’m freaking out a little too much. But I’ve experienced loss and I stand to lose a lot if I were to lose this position. After my last two experiences, I’m wondering if I’m meant to work in financial aid. But then again, outside of pathetic sales, financial planning, and insurance jobs, nobody else seems to have any interest in interviewing me. So what is there to do when I’m trapped? Just learn as much as possible and try to survive, I guess. I just wish I could thrive vocationally.