I've been planning to write a review of my time last Saturday night in Chicago Ridge for the last week. I just can't do that tonight. They say suffering breeds creativity. Well, I agree. And I'm not talking about meaningless random circumstances. I'm talking about up close and personal. To watch what I have to watch nearly every day is devastating. Wanting to help, but unable to. Watching something so good just decay in front of me and knowing it's not my cross to bear, but I'm forced to bear it anyway.
Away from the root, I can smile. Even the situations that aroused fear, I can learn to walk down that path. But I wonder now if my base needs to change. And I look at what's causing this shift. Is this the real issue or is it hidden behind the slurred words I hear? Worse yet, are these twisted thoughts that I now receive from another, the real issue? There is a decision coming and it is inevitable.
My hope here is not to impose my will on another's, but simply to be free to choose my own path. So I ask myself. What's the real issue here? What's the right base? What's the right way? What's the right situation? Is there a place I belong? Or do I just learn to cope with all that gets thrown my way every minute of every day?
The decision is complicated, but even more necessary to make. I admit part of me does not want to decide. I shudder at what may happen. But if I do not make the choice, it will be made for me. What a terrible way that would be to live. I know this: I am me and am not going to let some sad soul, who inexpicably decides to regret and pity themselves, hold the special power of guiding my path. So why not just decide one way or another?
So will I make that decision or will it be made for me? It really is a no-brainer. Except when the time comes to decide.
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