This weekend was just full of good and bad. I've already discussed Saturday and I feel the need to write about Sunday, as hard as some of this may be. If you read this, you know one thing about me. I won't B.S. you on this blog or in conversation. How I feel is how I feel and I'll say how I feel. My decisions are my decisions and I live with them. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better at being me.
Sunday morning was great. I saw a certain someone at church and we talked for about 10 minutes. She's going to Florida over spring break so I probably won't see her for a little while. But I've liked the times we've spent together. I'm not going to say something exists just to say it exists. I hope it may one day. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment like I have so many times.
It's amazing how many people I know have started dating recently, including a few girls I've known well. I'll not mention names, that's just to protect the guilty. Man I don't know if it's Valentine's Day, President's Day, or what the hell is happening. I've got it through my thick head that I don't want to date, but another part of me would like to. It's a sick, conflicting feeling right now. I have George Strait's "You Look So Good In Love" playing now and blasting it as loud as it will go. Nothing like some stone-cold country for times like these...
There will be good stuff in a little bit, but there's one more thing that really twisted my insides like a wet string mop. Volleyball was an absolute meltdown. After 2 good weeks and getting whipped, I couldn't keep my composure. My play was abominable, at least by my standards. The first game was tight. We lost that one 15-13 and it went about twice as long as a typical game. I was disappointed, but I took it on the chin. And right there, that was the end. In game 2, we got massacred, cannibalized, and executed 15-2. Suffice to say I was embarrassed. My shoddy performance was too much. The whole thing ended with me walking under the net, raising it up, and letting it go, thus snapping it down. What I didn't see was I evidently hit a few players with it. So I walked away. I sat out. I watched the third game and guess what happened. My team actually had the you know what's to actually win it without me.
I wanted to vomit. I felt I didn't belong anymore. I walked out and I don't think I should go back in the near future. The fact they won that game without me amazes me, annoys me, and aches me too. I know I'm competitive. I want to win. But old habits die hard. Maybe someday I can find a good way to channel all of this. I have this spirit for a reason. I just don't know why God gave me this desire.
You would think my day was ruined after that. Not quite. I took a shower and after I got out, I looked in the mirror for about a solid minute. I felt at peace. I can't explain why since I did really nothing to get there. I just felt good with what I did. No, I'll rephrase. I felt good with the place I ended up at follwing the decision I made. Right now, I'm not getting pleasure from playing volleyball. It hurts to admit it, but no matter how good other people think I am, I feel like I'm a detriment to me, to others, and to God. I have to stay away for now.
But Ecclesia was final redemption. Dividing the Plunder played some music and did well. I got their CD and although I don't think it's really good, it's okay. It was strange that I felt no shame or guilt hanging over my head as the praise music played and I participated in my small group. I felt very good as the night came to a close. And I'm not one to have mood swings. I don't know why I felt better as the day went on. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was the anticipation of Sunday night. Maybe it was the pork chops, applesauce, and beer I had for lunch in between.
One baseball note. The Mets have named former Chicago Bulls GM Jerry "Saur" Krause as a scout. You know, a few years ago, we'd have hired him for strength and conditioning coach. I have no love for him, but as long as he finds good players and keeps his quintuple chins off camera, that's fine by me.
Hopefully more good stuff will be here later.
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