Absolute agony, but an idea!

When I die and go to meet God, I'm going to tell him about baseball. Because I know without a doubt now God has absolutely nothing to do with baseball. He clearly has never heard of it, seen it, or thought about it. Because after watching the end of the Marlins-Bitch-lanta game tonight, I know demons rule this sometimes great sometimes horrifying game.

3-0 Florida. First and second no one out for the Marlins. A bunt for a popout and Alex "Rey Ordonez" Gonzalez is pitching a tent halfway between shortstop and third base and the idiot gets doubled off at second base! Then Mike Lowell comes up. Crushes a fastball. I thought it was headed to Miami. Ryan Scissorhands catches it on the warning track. In comes Antonio Alfonseca to pitch for Florida. He's got six fingers and no testicles. Allows two baserunners and in comes the CLOSER TODD JONES! In the eighth inning! Mr. Lights out all season comes in. Four runs score. Kyle Farnsworth closes it. The same Kyle Farnsworth who could never find control in Chicago or Baltimore. 1-2-3 including a strikeout of Juan Pierre (Who almost never strikes out by the way) to end it. Braves win. What a surprise.

So are you happy now? All I hear is from the "fans" of that damn team and the media is "Oh, it's not over, we've got six games left with Florida!" You know what, I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear it. Every damn year those 500-pound rednecks who'd rather watch Nascar and mock Native Americans get their little squeal in. If only 1995 had never happened.

I'd rather see the Mets lose every game the rest of the year if it meant Philly or Florida won the division. But I will say this. I have an idea.

Here is the foolproof way that I will never have to see Atlanta win another division crown again. I will have to become a Brave fan. I will have to sell my soul to Billionaire Ted, Crybaby Bobby, Leo "Resurface the ice with the" Mazzone. Bring em all on! Furcal aahhhhh. Andruw oooooohhhhhhhh! Larry! Oh I love Larry! Hit another double or homer off the Mets in a big game again Larry! I love ya! You named your son Shea? Great! I'll name my son Stadium. They'll be buddies! Smoltzie! Oh, the best postseason pitcher of all time! Forget Bob Gibson. We'll go golfing! John Rocker! Great humanitarian. Julio Franco. Hey I'll wheel your chair up and down Peach Street! Schuerholz! The greatest GM ever! Hell, sign Kaz Ishii! He'll be your next 20-game winner! Money in the bank!

Baseball is probably the best game on earth. But it's games like this that show how screwed up it is. The Bitch-lanta Braves about to win another damn division title. Just makes you want to puke.